the joys of embarrassing my tweenager

it's difficult to bang out comedic gold in the seven minutes remaining on my computer time back here at BPL

took the kids to Blockbuster last night to select videos & games as I've been promising them for two weeks. standing in line at the checkout, TikTok by Kesha comes on, Bookey and I love to dance to that song and we start jammin. my son elbows me sharply. MOM. WE'RE IN PUBLIC. you know, like I had just urinated or something. I cut him a sharp look and he glared back at me. You're a weenie, he said, calculatedly baiting me.

You wanna call me names, big guy? I asked him. Tell you what. Say that again and I will SHAKE MY BEHIND.

I thought the single dad in line behind all of us with his kids in tow was going to fall down, he was laughing so hard.

Too Much Time On My Hands

HAHAHAHA

I haven't heard myself say this lately, but I am tired of cooking. And possibly my crockpot is going to go on strike from overwork and underpay.

I'm sick of daily & time consuming cooking from scratch: Monday was roast, with me scraping carrots and scrubbing potatoes while trying to get the kids and myself out the door, Tuesday was pinto beans, basically, I just can't wait until I get paid on Friday SO WE CAN EAT PIZZA.

Grrrr

I noticed last night that I was in a VERY bad mood and exhausted by 8 PM, but initially attributed it to the fact that I had 5-6 kids running in and out of my house all day, tracking in mud and other brown substances, snarfing down food, and using up all my clean dishes that I spent Sunday washing.

Alas, a telltale tickle in the back of my throat worsened as I lay down. I'm like, REALLY, UNIVERSE??? I am going to get sick AGAIN? For, what, the SIXTH TIME since last October??? (insert wailing and gnashing of teeth) (also anguished muttering under my breath as I trudge to CVS for Advil Cold & Sinus)

Bah, humbug. It's not just for Christmas anymore!

I Need It, I Want It, I've Got To, Got To Have It...

so, my second blog entry about the Sexual Resolution from the Mominatrix, so I'm entered to win the grand prize from Eden Fantasy.

I feel a wee bit uncomfortable discussing these things on my "mommy blog."

Apparently I feel no such discomfort IN PERSON, as evidence by the conversation I had with a coworker today. I walked up on a discussion about phone apps and exclaimed, Did you know that PornHub has a mobile app now? IT'S FANTASTIC.

coworker glanced at me beneath the highlighted bangs covering three quarters of her face. "You would know that."

WHY, YES, YES I WOULD, VIRGINIA. Because I am THE ONLY PERSON who has EVER WATCHED PORN. yes that entire industry is basely solely on me, its only consumer. Ron Jeremy, you're fired!

Important News Update!

Or, not really.

I have been surprised at how....well, EASY it's been so far to stick to my resolution to be kinder to myself and stop the relentless flow of negative self evaluation. Even though the past week has presented some, er, CHALLENGES (stuck in traffic for 2 hours trying to pick up daughter from after school care with bladder on Full and gas tank on Empty is just ONE example), I have told myself, it is the circumstances, it is not you, you're doing the best you can, just go ahead and cry if you need to: this has been totally working!!! I still feel overwhelmed, despairing, out of control and so forth at times but I am not BLAMING myself and it's making a big difference.

Let's see if I can keep it up.

And just because you've missed it so, another funny conversation with Zac:

Me: Look, my phalaeonopsis has TWO bloom stalks!!!
Zac: Can we just call it a paleontologist?

I'm Talkin' 'Bout A Resoluuuuuushuuuunnnnn

(and, is it just me, or is Beatles Rock Band a pernicious, nigh sacrilegious blight? You think so too. Great. Let us band together....wait, that might not be the right word choice....)

Forget world peace and thinner thighs. My resolution for 2010 is to be kinder to myself.

Yes. You read that right. MYSELF. Not AIDS babies, crack whores, or little old ladies hobbling slowly across busy throughfares. Or even the thousands of disappointed children in orphanages everywhere who just found out that Brad & Angelina are having another bio baby (although I do tend to believe that Angelina no longer loves Brad. I can see no other possible explanation for that nasty #$@*ing thing dripping off his chin).

Because, to be quite honest with you, darling Internet, as mean and vicious as I can be to others is as nothing compared to the mean and vicious I unleash upon myself. ON A DAILY BASIS.

The number one piece of advice I give to my mom friends is Give yourself a break. Take care of yourself. You can't do it all. Take some time to take care of yourself, without you it all falls apart.

One look in my messy closet, one glance at a sinkful of dishes, one piece of lint on the carpet and my Inner Martha prances out, nose held high and mouth pursed like a persimmon.

One day of jeans, sneakers, no makeup & a tshirt at work and I'm declaring myself a fashion failure no man will ever check out again.

The verbal whip I wield against others is nothing, really, absolutely nothing against the constant self-flagellation I both create and endure.

And it's going to stop. No more daily tension headaches from the to do list I haven't accomplished. No more putting myself down for the situation I'm in. Last year, I freed myself from a bad marriage, and this year, I am going to enjoy that freedom. I am taking down the mental prison bars.

Also PRAYING that Brad will flick his Bic just a bit too vigorously and send that scraggly thing up in smoke. Either that or Angelina finds the electric razor one night while he's asleep. Imagine the unleashed joy of paparazzi everywhere!

Good Morning, 2010!

Did you manage to stay up and say hello to midnight? I did! Shot off fireworks with the neighborhood, Zac in particular had a great time. I drank Pinot Grigio & froze--also, a friend introduced me to Robot Chicken from Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, and it was HIGHlarious if you enjoy cultural references like the Smurfs and the Creature From The Black Lagoon.

The kids are still asleep and I am marveling anew at how enjoyable domesticity can be. The angle of the sunlight slanting across the piles of peelings as I slice up apples for chunky, spicy apple butter (simmering in my crockpot for 18-24 hours). The divine smell of cinnamon and vanilla poured over the fruit, the crisp burst of juices as I bite into a piece. Laundry going; I love the sound of the washing machine and the knowledge that there will be clean clothes for all for the coming week of back to school distress. Playing with the puppy, petting her round tummy, staring into her bicolored eyes, one crystal blue, the other brown.

Running down my cropped black yoga pants, lacing up my sneakers, and preparing for a few wind sprints up the driveway--baby, it's cold outside! Too cold to set out on my normal trek. Doing a little ab work, I've been focusing on that for the past month and have been surprised by my body's quick response, I had forgotten how quickly my abs strengthen (because it's been WAY too damn long since I worked them out....now to work off some of this belly fat so I can SEE the muscles that I'm feeling).

Have you ever read The Mominatrix? Interested in a sexual challenge (whether you're a mom or not, in a relationship or not)? Check out Kristin Chase at DAMMIT WHY WILL MY PC NO LONGER CUT & PASTE LINKS???????????????????? No, not the actual title of her website.
Gah, she's at Imperfect Parent and Motherhood Uncensored. You do not need the actual link for clicky-clicky, no? You have The Googles, yes? Thank you for your cohopsherations and please to visit her nows.

Yesterday's assignment was to dig out a thong and today's is to wear it. However, in the spirit of going above and beyond, I'm with Joey today. COMMANDO RULES!!!